Under the Scars
by silvermoon717
Summary: Zell is a real ASS in this fic and has nothing better to than torment Cloud. Which causes him to have suicidal thoughts. Yes, there's LEMON! COMPLETE!
1. Default Chapter

It was strange how I came up with idea to write this fic. I was just sitting in class, and BAM! It hit me, so I hope you enjoy this fic. ^_^  
  
Chater 1  
  
Yaoi  
  
Rated R  
  
When I first entered SOLIDER I thought it would be a wonderful experience. But later on I realized I had been terribly wrong.  
  
For the first few weeks everything had been going great. I was training hard so I could be like my idol, Sephiroth. I believed that nothing could go wrong. When I went on my first mission I had done exceptionally well. I took down monsters in no time. And my magic skills were topnotch due to my hard work in practicing magic.  
  
Everything seemed to be working out for me. But after a few days this all changed making my time in SOLIDER a difficult one. It all started when I was out in the field doing my daily exercises. I was minding my own business when suddenly noticed that Zack had been watching me. He was with a group of SOLIDER recruits and he didn't seem to be watching me out sheer curiosity.  
  
Whatever reason for why he was watching I decided to ignore him. A few minutes had passed and I stared back to where Zack had been. He and his gang were seemed to be in deep conversation. One his minions began to snicker and I saw that he was pointing his finger at me. I didn't understand why he was doing this, but I made another attempt to ignore them.  
  
The snickers turned into loud obnoxious laughs. I had some idea for they were laughing at me, for one; though I am physically built for a solider I have a slim physic. I am not as masculine as the other solider recruits. But I wasn't about to give into them, trying to control my temper I walked to another area of the field to be out range from Zack and his gang.  
  
This didn't work, Zack and two people from his gang came over to me and decided to harass me.  
  
"What are you doing, shithead?" asked Zack. "Do you want to be like your boyfriend, I know you like him."  
  
All three of them stated laughing hysterically. I could feel myself burn with uncontrollable anger.  
  
"You want to fuck him, Cloud!" Zack said sneeringly.  
  
"What's it to you!" I said clenching my fist.  
  
"I heard that's the reason why you wanted to join SOLIDER, to be like Sephiroth. But I really would like to know if you want to fuck him."  
  
Zack and his gang laughed once more, I could no longer control my range and without thinking I struck him hard in his face. But the two of Zack's lackeys reacted quickly to my assault I felt one them jump on my back forcing me down on the ground, and I suddenly began to feel their feet giving me powerful kicks in ribs and on my back.  
  
I tried getting back up but then I felt harsh blows to my head. I made an effort to shield myself from the kicks, but it was no use. Finally giving up Zack and his gang gave me couple of more blows. I could taste my own blood and I felt blood dripping from my nose. I was in excruciating pain. My ribs felt tender and broken, I felt as though my spine had just been broken.  
  
I got back up and to my relief nothing had been broken. I could see Zack's burning with anger, but I did not care. Without looking at Zack and his lackeys I headed back to where the dorms were.  
  
"I bet he's going to go fuck Sephiroth." He said. Zack's lip had been bleeding from when I struck him earlier.  
  
In response to this crude remark I spit the excess blood in my mouth in Zack's face. And without looking back I went straight to my dorm forgetting about my physical pain, but I had to wonder about my emotional pain.  
  
This story will only get worst before it gets better, so I hope you decide to continue reading this when I install my later chapters. ^_^ 


	2. Chapter 2

Hello there, glad you decided to keep reading^_^. The reason why I named this story Under the Scars is because Cloud will go through some kind of emotional trauma. I won't tell you anything else. Oh, and by the way:  
  
I don't own any of these characters. Enjoy!  
  
There is yaoi in this chapter.  
  
When I went back to my dorm I went to bathroom to examine the bruises on face. My left eye was purple and I had a deep cut above my eyebrow. I was so pissed; nothing could describe the kind of rage I was in. That was the worst fight I have ever been in. And I never realized it was possible for me to lose a fight. But then, it was three against one, I now know I had been stupid to start that fight.  
  
When I was little I got into fights all the time. I did this to feel tough and all I was, was just a hurt and angry little boy. Maybe I am still that little boy. The whole reason why I joined SOLIDER was to not only to become my idol, but also to feel strong. I hated being weak I was weak when I was a little boy. But I now realize that I am still that weak little boy. All the soldiers here are bigger and stronger than me and could have been the reason why Zack has chosen to harass me.  
  
I soon begin to feel bitter when I thought about this. Zack's harassing me had hurt my feelings and I couldn't bear to admit this to myself. All of his taunts were running through my mind and I made every effort to push them out. But what I really angered me was what he had known about Sephiroth. Zack somehow knew that he was my idol and decided to use this as weapon to hurt me. What was soon becoming apparent was that my admiration for Sephiroth could be something more.  
  
Yes, this is what angered me the most, my feelings for my idol. And Zack knew my weakness. I hated him now more than ever. I wanted to hurt him in very way possible; I wanted him to taste his own blood. I wanted to take my sword and cut him in half with it. But I couldn't think like this, the only thing I could was hide my hurt from Zack. Give him the impression that I was not intimidated by his actions and that he could not hurt me.  
  
But with this strong demeanor on the outside, I was damaged on the inside. Zack had done nothing but bring back awful memories of my childhood. He opened up a part of me that I had vowed to keep secret. But what I couldn't keep secret was my feelings. I stared blankly into the mirror thinking of Sephiroth. It was strange when I began to think of him.  
  
My anger and hurt started melting away. Why did he make me feel this way? I went and made myself comfterble on my bed. My mind was now on my idol. Without him being next to he made me feel better. I had to admit, I liked everything about Sephiroth, from the he fought in battles and strangely enough from the way he looked. When I watch him in action he performs all his moves wonderful finesse and grace.  
  
Whenever I see him during training sessions I can't help but to watch his movements. And his body? I couldn't help but to wonder what he looks like whenever he is naked. I didn't understand why I was having these thoughts. To look at him in such a way would probably be disrespectful. But I didn't care, these thoughts comforted me. I know Sephiroth never noticed me.  
  
I could get him to notice me however, but Zack will know and he would only torment me even more. He knows my feelings already, why make things worst for myself? I lay awake thinking about this predicament. Maybe if I just train harder without trying to get Sephiroth to notice me, he would probably notice me anyway. But what would I do from then on?  
  
All this thinking beginning to get on my nerves, so I focus my feelings on Sephiroth.  
  
"What would it be like if he were to touch me?" I thought to myself. "Will I like the way his hands feel? Would he enjoy himself if I allowed him to touch me in other areas?"  
  
These thoughts put me at ease and I decided to use my feelings for Sephiroth comfort me whenever Zack hurt me. I know now that I would enjoy it if Sephiroth invited me up to his dorm and had his way with me. He would unzip my pants, sit me down on the bed and lick my cock. Sephiroth would become greedy and put his warm mouth on it and suck it voraciously. I would not mind any of this at all.  
  
I felt myself become aroused and I had this urge to reach in my pants and grab myself. Slowly I caressed myself feeling the sensation of touching myself. I unbuttoned my pants and grabbed my cock. I never would have thought that touching myself would give me pleasure. I started off gently letting the passion grow. I could feel my self getting hard and I still continued the slow rhythm off jerking off.  
  
I made soft moaning sounds increasing the speed of my act of pleasure. I could feel the climax coming so jerked off much quicker. My cock was very hard and I knew it was time to release my semen. It suddenly shot out and I could feel how warm it was on my hand. How wonderful it was for me to that moment of pleasure. I soon had forgotten about everything that happened that day.  
  
I buttoned my pants and sat up thinking of Sephiroth had just my day.  
  
"Yes, he is the one I admire. And maybe the one person I love."  
  
And as for Zack, I will try not to let him get to me. And if I were to ever get into a fight with him I will do every thing in my power to win. But for now, I will only think of my idol.  
  
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Review please ^_ ^ 


	3. Chapter 3

Greetings ^_^ I have decided to add more lemon scenes in my stories. Just to make them more interesting. I really don't like explaining the whole yaoi and shonen ai thing. I know that some of you (or most) only read these stories because you enjoy yaoi. So I assume that you already know what yaoi is. So I hope you are enjoying this story. ^_^  
  
I don't any own any of these characters.  
  
I dreaded the next day of training. Zack and his gang would be in the training field and I knew what was coming. His torments, his sneers about my feelings for Sephiroth. I wasn't sure if I could bear it. The physical assaults don't really hurt me, it is the words that hurt me the most. The reason why I detest Zack so much is that he knows how I feel about Sephiroth. I hate him for knowing. I hate everything about him.  
  
I hate him because he consistently reminds me of my childhood. He finds pleasure in opening old wounds. I hate the look in his face when he ridicules me. Sometimes I just feel like taking a rock and bashing his face in with it. I want to take him in a dark ally and beat the living crap out of him. I never in my life wanted anyone suffer, but Zack and his gang were an exception.  
  
I got up the nerve to go out and train. If Zack and his gang wanted fight me then I was ready and waiting. But I still wondered how I was ever going to keep this 'tough guy' demeanor up. I was beginning to carry around emotional baggage, but I couldn't let everyone know this, especially Zack. What really pisses me off even more is that I can't be around my idol, or at least let Zack see me around him.  
  
I can't imagine what would happen if were to see me with Sephiroth. I headed downstairs to the training field and as soon as I got there I scanned the area to see if I could spot Zack or on of his lackeys. To my surprise he and his gang was nowhere in sight. I slowly walked across the field dragging along my buster sword. I found a somewhat secluded area and started my daily exercises.  
  
"So far so good," I thought to myself. I wasn't avoiding Zack because I was afraid of him. I was avoiding him because I really would hate what could happen if he decided to pick a fight with me. I wasn't as angry with him when I got into the first fight. But this time things would be much different.  
  
It had been at least thirty-minutes into training and I hadn't seen Zack and his gang yet. I tried to stay focused on my exercises, but this was quite nerve-racking. If I didn't keep my guard up Zack can take me by surprise, he may not even attack me with his verbal assaults. He'll just beat me to a pulp right then and there. I had to be prepared.  
  
Finally I decided to stop worrying. I figured he wouldn't show up, and I was relieved. I did my exercises and I felt better today than I had in the last several days. I completed my daily training and headed back inside. And to my pleasant surprise I saw him, my idol. I stopped dead in my tracks to watch him. Sephiroth was doing his daily training and the odd thing was is that I had never seen him in the training field.  
  
He wasn't wearing his black cloak. I could see his chest clearly and he looked so perfect. I loved the way his silver hair moved about and I loved how his sweat glistened on his skin giving him a luminous glow. I wondered, if I stood here any longer would I become aroused just by watching Sephiroth? I couldn't help myself, I enjoyed having these thoughts. They gave me comfort.  
  
As I stood watching Sephiroth, the worst had happened. Zack and his gang decided to show up in my moment of comfort. The thing I had feared all this time had now came to past.  
  
"What are you looking at shithead? You see your boyfriend over there?" Zack said. His gang started laughing.  
  
"What a group of stupid people." I thought. I was trying my hardest to remain composed.  
  
"Why don't you go and fuck yourself, I don't have time to screw with you." I said walking away.  
  
That stupid idiot Zack just wouldn't get it, he had to keep pissing me off.  
  
"What's the matter? Afraid your boyfriend might see you get your scrawny ass kicked?"  
  
I had to stop; he was asking for it, he really was. I turned around to face him; I liked seeing his reaction to my boldness.  
  
"That's right asswipe, I'm standing up to you." I thought.  
  
"You're a real shithead, I saw you watching Sephiroth. I know you want to fuck him." Zack said scoffing.  
  
I felt myself getting angry, I was clenching the handle on my buster sword. I moved closer to Zack's face and our noses almost touched.  
  
"Just admit it," he said softly.  
  
I don't know what it was, but without thinking I struck him hard in his stomach. I dropped my buster sword and went into a frenzy of delivering blows to Zack's head and face. His lackeys didn't react as quickly as they had before. My punches were coming too quickly and that is what prevented them from saving their friend. I kept swinging until Zack collapsed on the ground. He lay there helpless and I mercilessly kept swinging. One of his lackeys decided to come to Zack's rescue. I felt a harsh blow against my head almost knocking me out. But my fists would not stop. I felt another blow to my head but my will to fight was strong. Seeing that I was a raging animal his lackeys gave up and watched as I clobbered Zack.  
  
In my fury of assaults I suddenly felt someone grab my shoulder and lift me up from Zack. Their grip had been quite strong. I could feel this person's powerful grip, and I felt as though he would turn me around and knock me to the ground. I looked at the bruised Zack and I couldn't believe what I had done. His lackeys shot evil glances at me. And Zack didn't even try to get up.  
  
"Is he unconscious?" I asked myself.  
  
"I won't report you to the authorities because I really don't know what happened, but if ever see any of you fighting again I won't have a choice."  
  
I immediately recognized that voice. The person who grabbed me was no other than my idol, Sephiroth. I couldn't believe this, I all of sudden began to feel disgusted with myself. How could I let him see me fighting?  
  
"You come with me." Sephiroth said in a soft yet commanding tone.  
  
I knew I was in trouble, as I walked with Sephiroth my heart was beating viciously. I feared that I would no longer be a member of SOLIDER and I would have go home of not fulfilling my dream. Sephiroth had taken me to where the dorms were. I didn't understand this, why didn't he take me to have me reported. It was clear that Sephiroth only saw me fighting. And I knew that I could be punished.  
  
As we reached the dorms he had taken me clear to the end of the hall. We reached Sephiroth's quarters. He pushed open the doors and gestured for to enter first. Since Sephiroth was the top solider he the best dorm and it was much bigger. I sat down in a nearby chair. Sephiroth closed the doors and stood glaring at me.  
  
"Care to tell me what happened?"  
  
"I lost my temper." I said timidly.  
  
"Really, it was interesting to see you fight. You don't look like a violent person, but I guess looks can be deceiving."  
  
Sephiroth kneeled down in front of me, put his hands on my face.  
  
"He's touching me?" My heart skipped several beats.  
  
"I bet deep down your nothing more than an sad angry little kid. I just want you to know that you don't have to be." Sephiroth said soothingly.  
  
I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted him to slowly remove my clothes and take me over to his bed and make love to me. I only want to know what heaven would feel like. I got up and left Sephiroth's dorm. Just thinking about the two of us was getting me aroused. I can picture it vividly. I close my eyes and began to fantasize. Yes, Sephiroth is on top of me, gently moving back and forth so the moment would last. He caresses my nipples with his warm tongue and soft moans escape from my lips.  
  
He whispers in my ear and I feel his warm breath. He tells me he loves and he only wants to make me happy. I turn over on my stomach so he can enter from the back. I feel his large cock slide into me and he is as gentle. He moves slowly letting the pleasure build and I release whispered moans letting him know that I am enjoying this. He wants to increase the pleasure, so his thrusts become quicker. I can only deliver more moans.  
  
"I love you, I love you," he says over and over as he thrusts even harder. My moans become louder and I arch my back for more pleasure. He grabs my cock and its almost as though he's jerking off for me. I try holding on so the orgasm wouldn't come but I can feel it coming. But at the last few thrusts it comes. The cum shoots out. I can see the white stuff on Sephiroth's hand.  
  
"That was wonderful, wasn't it" he whispers.  
  
"Yes," I answer breathlessly.  
  
I make it to my dorm and I could feel a warm moistness. The strange thing is that I'm still horny. I wanted to grab myself and jerk off right there, but I couldn't do it in the hallway. I walked into the dorm and throw myself on the bed. I had to pleasure myself to get this desire out of my system. I slowly jerk off and it lasts well on into the evening. Sephiroth had made my day once again.  
  
That probably sucked, but who cares. Just keep reading. Please review. ^_^ 


	4. Chapter 4

I'm really sick of doing these summaries. Everything is the same, "this story contains yaoi, and "I don't own any of these characters, blah blah blah." You know what I mean.  
  
Well, enjoy ^_^  
  
It was an exciting day for me. I was going on my first mission with Sephiroth and I was filled with indescribable glee. No one could ruin my good mood, not even Zack. When I got out of bed that morning I noticed my sheets were wet with my semen. I had another fantasy about Sephiroth and each night they were becoming more and more erotic. I couldn't control my urges and I couldn't find it within me to stop them.  
  
I dressed quickly so I could be on time for my mission briefing. I wanted to give a good impression to Sephiroth even though I didn't get into any trouble when I got into that fight I wanted to show my idol that I was responsible and that I was a devoted solider. That day when he kept me from seriously harming Zack-or at least I hope I didn't harm him seriously- Sephiroth didn't look as though he would reprimand me in any way, and of course he didn't, but what really touched me deeply was that he seemed to know what I was going through.  
  
He seemed to have known that on the inside that I was aching from those horrible years of childhood torment. I could never erase those memories of being reminded of how little and weak I was. I grabbed my sword and headed downstairs to the briefing room. I did not care weather or not I would see Zack. He caused me enough grief and because of him I have to act as though I have no feelings at all.  
  
I entered the briefing room expecting to see Sephiroth, but he hadn't arrived yet. It was only I and another husky looking solider. So I waited, I had no problem at all with waiting. Only a few minutes had passed and I began to wonder if Zack would come along on this mission. If he did would he harass me in front of Sephiroth I wondered how I would react.  
  
The door of the briefing room was jerked open with force. This was no other than Sephiroth. He entered with two other soldiers and closed the door behind.  
  
"Have a seat, this will only take a few minutes." He said in his usual commanding tone.  
  
The two soldiers sat down as though they were Sephiroth's slaves. I saw in their faces how timid they were around him. And I thought they were wimps. He cleared his throat and began to speak. He was so articulate and he spoke with such authority. I loved the sound of his voice. It was deep and rather sexy. I was so enthralled by the sound of his voice that I didn't catch everything he said.  
  
"Are there any questions?"  
  
"Ummm, I have a question, sir." One of the soldiers said timidly. "Is it nescisscery to have four of us go along, it just seems that there are too many of us?"  
  
Sephiroth glanced over at the solider as though he had just asked a foolish question-which he had-Sephiroth made a dismissive gesture, but not out of rudeness.  
  
"This is an adequate number of people for this mission." He said. Without another word Sephiroth jerked opened the doors and gestured that it was time to go. I don't know what it was, bus when I passed Sephiroth I shuttered a bit. Maybe because, part of me was afraid of him, but only out of respect.  
  
"I won't get any trouble out of you, will I.?" Sephiroth said suddenly. I stopped abruptly, he was smiling at me in a friendly way and it had put me at ease.  
  
"I won't give you a hard time sir, it's just that I can be short tempered at times, you understand, don't you?" It was the most amazing thing I have ever done. I said this confidently without stuttering nor had I said this timidly. I was proud for not making an ass out of myself. Sephiroth nodded as he fallowed me out of the briefing room. It felt strange having him walk behind me like this.  
  
We made our way out to the truck that would take us on our mission. I didn't dare to sit close to my idol, I feared that if he picked up the slightest hint that I had a thing for him, he would no longer respect or ever allow me to go on a mission with. This to me was a privilege. I sat in the far corner of the truck. The other soldiers didn't seem to feel comfortable around Sephiroth either.  
  
We rode for a significant period of time, I could feel the truck moving over bumps, rocks, and potholes, it wasn't turning out to be a smooth ride. I sat back and started daydreaming. About my idol, of course. I couldn't help but to stare at him. I never he could be so attractive. I especially loved the way he sat with his legs open. It made me wonder how large his cock was. It made me wonder if he ever touched it. Does he even have these kinds of thoughts?  
  
I must've been completely spaced out, because I soon heard Sephiroth's voice.  
  
"Cloud, are you alright?"  
  
"What oh, I didn't hear you." I said.  
  
"I noticed you were staring in my direction. I thought you might've had a question about the mission." He said.  
  
"No, I don't. I was just daydreaming."  
  
This was kind of embarrassing for me, he noticed I was staring at him. How would he react if he knew what I was daydreaming about? I decided for the rest of the way to never give him any eye contact. I looked around the truck and I saw that one of the soldiers dozed off. Another was stupidly humming an annoying tune. And the other was simply staring off into space.  
  
"Why are they even in SOLIDER?" I thought.  
  
The truck came to a stop telling me that we have arrived at designation. Sephiroth was the first to get up and nudged the sleeping soldier awake.  
  
"It's time for you to get up now, were here." He said sharply.  
  
Surprised and obviously crestfallen, the soldier quickly stood up to salute Sephiroth.  
  
"Try to stay awake next time."  
  
"Right sir, sorry sir."  
  
Sephiroth pushed opened the doors and we all got out the truck. We were in an open field and a small town was nearby. We were ready to receive our assignments from Sephiroth.  
  
"Our mission is to wipe out all the monsters in this area. I hope all you have been training on a regular basis. The monsters in this area are rather formidable you must keep your guard up and stay focused. Are there any questions?"  
  
When he asked this I noticed he had glanced in my direction.  
  
"No." Everyone said at once.  
  
All of us had to split up to cover more ground. I was by myself and I ran into a chain of powerful monsters. To help me defeat these creatures I decided to think about how Zack treated me. I thought about the entire name calling, and him using my feelings for Sephiroth as a weapon. This helped kill the quickly and successfully. I wondered how the other idiot soldiers were doing.  
  
Seeing that no more monsters were popping up I decided to take a quick rest.  
  
"I'm impressed." Said Sephiroth. He had such a seductive voice.  
  
"But it seems to me that you were taking your anger out on the monsters, correct."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You shouldn't bottle up your emotions like that, it's not good for you. If you do that you'll destroy yourself." He was smiling sweetly at me and my heart fluttered.  
  
The truck pulled up and it was time for us to leave. I staggered onto the truck and I was exhausted. The ride going back didn't seem as long as it did going on our mission. But it was just as bumpy. I realized while on this ride I completely forgot about Zack and his gang. I didn't even think about the idea of running into them once I got back. We reached the headquarters of our home, (which is SOLIDER) and I couldn't wait to get to my dorm.  
  
I slowly walked towards to where the dorms were and I looked around for Zack and his gang. I didn't spot them, and I was relieved. However my luck would soon run out. I reached the front doors and Zack and his lackeys were standing around blocking my path. I avoided giving them any kind of eye contact. This was to only avoid seriously harming someone. One of his lackeys had the nerve to block my path.  
  
"Get out of my way, I have no time for your bullshit." I said angrily.  
  
Surprised at this, he did what I said.  
  
"You went on a mission with Sephiroth." Zack said with a stupid smirk on his face.  
  
"Yeah, so what."  
  
"I wonder, did you ever think about going behind the bushes with him? I mean it had to cross your mind."  
  
"Don't fuck with me Zack, unless you want the living shit beaten out you again." I said reaching my boiling point.  
  
This took him aback and it looked as though he were trying to find some way to counter it. His lackeys only stood by and waited for Zack to respond. Those idiots have no minds of their own, I bet they listen to everything said.  
  
"You may have kicked my ass but that doesn't change the fact that you would probably give anything in the world to be Sephiroth's lover. So just suck it up, just like you would gladly suck Sephiroth's cock."  
  
That did it, he had it coming. I have no patients for Zack, this bastard just has to start shit. I struck him hard across his stupid face and I delivered another blow to his stomach. The blow to his stomach knocked the wind out him. His lackeys wanted to help him but they didn't. It was stupid for Zack to these two idiots as friends.  
  
"You want a beating too, you dickheads!" I said in a fury. The two of them shook their heads quickly and ran off. I on the other hand was pissed. I stomp up to my dorm and I had the urge to put my fist through wall. How could let him get to me like this? Are my feelings for my idol making me weak? I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was disgusted at what I saw. I was that weak and angry little boy who only wanted to be strong. All those horrible feelings came flooding back. I could no longer take being that weak little boy. I have to kill him, yes that's it, kill that little boy. I didn't understand it but I saw a teardrop.  
  
That didn't end like I really wanted it too, but I guess it turned out okay. ^_^ Keep reading. 


	5. Chapter 5

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but there won't be any lemon scenes until later on in the story. I'm not someone who writes rushed sex scenes. I need to think them over so they can be hot and steamy. To me, that's the best thing to do. Well enough about that just read the story!!! ^_^  
  
I looked in the mirror. For how long, I didn't know. But the image of my reflection was beginning to disgust me more and more. I can't bear to look at such weakness. I wouldn't be surprised if Zack went around telling everyone that I was a sissy. Despite my paroxysm of sudden violence against him. This only proves one thing, no matter how much I beat Zack; he will always have the advantage. Simply because he knows my feelings for Sephiroth. Maybe that's why he's always provoking me. But beating the living crap out of him makes me feel better. At least for now.  
  
I didn't leave for training, and if I did I knew I would see Zack. And yes, he would receive another beating. I couldn't leave, I was in despair over this. Over my feelings for Sephiroth, and my relapse into the horrors of my childhood. I can never forget those memories; The constant ridicule of being short and skinny, the laughing from the kids in the neighborhood, and the reminder of how I could never succeed in SOLIDER.  
  
Why had I been fool to take all of this? I'm in SOLIDER now, am I? Why should I let all of this get to me? Why am I even thinking about this? I all of sudden remember Sephiroth telling me about my anger and sadness.  
  
"You shouldn't bottle your emotions up like that, if you do that, you'll destroy yourself."  
  
I could no longer bear this agony. Zack had opened up more wounds and this time and I needed a way out. Whatever it was, I would gladly take it. But what was I going to in the meantime? I couldn't discuss this with anyone, I have a problem with opening up to people. I didn't want to tell someone about my childhood torment, which has resulted into my short temper. If I were to open up all my feelings would suddenly pour out and my feelings for Sephiroth would be out in the open.  
  
I wasn't about to let that happen. Besides what would it look like if I was laying on the couch of some shrink's office. It's pretty pathetic if you ask me. But then you know what else is pathetic, I am someone who needs therapy. That is the sad part about this predicament. I need therapy. Then again, maybe it's not therapy I need. Maybe I need someone to reach out to me. Like my idol, Sephiroth is trying to reach out to me. He must know that I need some kind of comfort.  
  
He knows I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be all right. He knows that I need someone to be my closes companion; he may also know that I need someone to tell me that they love me. Yes, maybe that's what's wrong with me. Could this be the reason why I never want people to get close to me? I'm so quick to avoid intimacy; I don't even like it when people try to hug me. Whenever my mother kissed me good night I would wipe the kiss off. This was just the beginning; I hated it when girls found me attractive. I never liked going on dates because to me, they were a waste of time. When I made the decision to join SOLIDER I did it because I wanted to prove to everyone that I wasn't some kind of wimp.  
  
But what did I get out of joining SOLIDER? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No one cared, no one paid even the slightest attention to me. My mother on the other hand said good-bye to me, but she didn't hug me, she didn't even touch me. What did all this mean? It meant that I had pushed everyone who loved me away. I didn't know this at the time I left for SOLIDER. I just thought they respected the fact that I don't need comfort.  
  
How does everyone back home see me now? Maybe they think I'm a jerk. If they did, I couldn't blame them. How could I do this to everyone who loved me? I never have been so disgusted with myself. No wonder I don't have any friends, I'll just push them all away.  
  
For the first time ever I believed I deserved the torment from Zack. Look what I did to my friends and family. I'm just as much an ass as Zack and his mentally dense lackeys. I don't know if I could ever forgive myself. And realizing that I'm a jerk just like Zack only made me want to vomit. I couldn't believe this. I had to stop looking in the mirror. If I kept looking at that awful reflection; I would soon get the urge to drive my fist through the glass.  
  
Something has to die, but what? All along I wanted to kill that weak little boy that I was. But maybe now it's the 'tough guy' jerk that I have become since I joined SOLIDER. The weak little boy didn't drive all his friends away, but the weak little boy took too much abuse. The 'tough guy' wants to be strong and show the world that he is not going to be bullied. But the 'tough guy' had no kind of emotion. Which one do you kill when you realize that you hate them both?  
  
Which one do I kill? Which one do I kill? Which one do I kill? This was running through my head and it was driving me crazy.  
  
"Stop!! Please stop!! I can't take any of this!" I screaming at the top of lungs and I didn't care weather or not anyone heard me. I reached the breaking point of self-destruction. I had enough, what would I do? I could just end it very easily. There was a small bottle of painkillers in the medicine cabinet. One tablet contained at least three hundred milligrams. If I take the whole bottle it'll be enough to end all this torment. I won't have to put up with Zack's torment. I won't have to go home and face the pain I caused my family and friends.  
  
I have an opportunity to put an end to everything. But the question is will I end everything? No one would care if I died; it's probably the best thing. Should I end it? Should I? Oh God help me I don't know!! This is too much, God help me please!!  
  
I hope that wasn't too dramatic. But I do hope it'll keep you reading. ^_^ 


	6. Chapter 6

I am very happy to know that you all are enjoying my story so far. So I'm not going to waste anymore time with writing summaries. So, on with the story!!! ^_^  
  
I decided to end it. But it didn't work out for me. I failed at committing suicide, is this a good thing? Or is it a bad thing? The nurse told me that a couple of soldiers found me in the bathroom face down on the floor in my dorm.  
  
"The soldiers wanted to give you some news on an upcoming mission." She said.  
  
"When they found your dorm the soldiers didn't understand why you weren't answering. That's when one of them discovered your door was unlocked. And well, there you were, completely knocked out."  
  
I didn't know how to react to this. What was it that kept me from dying? Maybe those pills didn't have enough milligrams in them.  
  
"It's a good thing those soldiers found you when they did, or else you would've been a goner."  
  
I tried to sit up but the nurse quickly pressed me back down.  
  
"Don't try to get up yet, we had to pump a vast amount of milligrams out of your stomach. Boy, I swear, you soldiers have no idea what painkillers can do if you take too many. Next time, try to be more careful." The nurse said scolding me.  
  
She stepped out of the room completely unaware of the fact that I tried to kill myself. And while lying in this bed the thought of suicide still haunted me. I knew there were all kinds medicine locked away, but I had no way of getting the medicine. But then I saw a tray of medical supplies. There was a pair of shears on that tray and I wondered, should I just take those shears and jam them into my chest?  
  
That would be pretty painful, but at least I could feel something. Hell, those stupid painkillers didn't work, and I took the whole bottle. I am way over my head, I don't know what to feel, and I don't even know how to feel. I still can't decide weather I should be the 'tough guy' or the little boy. I still hate them both. I turned over on my stomach as heard loud annoying laughter. This laughter was familiar. Oh wait; it's nobody other than Zack and his idiot friends. He must've heard about my suicide attempt. Well things are getting better for now aren't they?  
  
I didn't care weather or not I was weak, if he decided to come in here to start some shit with me, I would beat him down like I did the last time.  
  
"None of you belong in here, why don't the three of you get lost, right now!" the nurse said loudly and harshly.  
  
"Fine," it was Zack who said this. "We have better things to do." He said caustically  
  
"Don't ever come in here,"  
  
I heard a loud slam of the door, and the nurse had muttered something that may have been cures words. I was staring at the ceiling and the infirmary had a weary silence. I could have gone to sleep, my body was tired, but my mind wasn't. I wondered weather I regretted trying to commit suicide. What would it have been like if the soldiers discovered I was dead? They would of course contact my family and friends. But how would they react? I never took the time to write to them.  
  
My stupid ego and me, I could have written to them just to see how they were. Was I that desperate to prove myself? I hate trying to sort out these emotions; it only makes me more bitter. But I know that sooner or later I would have to come to terms with them. Maybe what I'm afraid of is that I may never forgive myself for the way I treated my family and friends. I will forgive myself, just not now.  
  
"Yes, he's fine, it's miracle too." Said the nurse.  
  
Yes, I'm keeping an I eye on him, I still don't understand how he could've been so stupid."  
  
"Is it alright if I see him?"  
  
I recognized this voice almost instantly. It was my idol, Sephiroth. He was here to see me. My heart fluttered with this indescribable joy. For only a moment, I could forget about my pain.  
  
"He's very weak." The nurse said.  
  
She closed the door without another word. I was facing the wall because I was too bashful to see my idol. And embarrassed at the state I was in. I was certain the nurse had told him I overdose, but I was also certain that Sephiroth knew better. He sat in the chair next to my bed. I could smell him, and I was enthralled. He must've been training.  
  
"Tell me the real reason why you're in here." He said softly. I said nothing.  
  
" I don't think you're that stupid to take a whole bottle of painkillers."  
  
"But someone else in here does," I blurted out.  
  
"I don't care what that nurse thinks, you would take a whole bottle of painkillers. Unless." Sephiroth said.  
  
"Unless what?"  
  
"You were trying to escape something. Were you trying to escape? Look at me Cloud."  
  
I slowly turned over to stare into the eyes of my idol. Oh God he was so incredibly gorgeous, why can't I have him. This is torment! He was staring at me with profound concern. It wasn't difficult for me to gaze into his piercing stare.  
  
"I was trying to escape this emotional trauma, I was mad at myself for being cruel to my family and friends, and I just thought that it would be better if I weren't alive. And that asshole Zack won't leave me alone, because of my feelings for." I stopped. What was I doing? I was about to reveal my feelings for Sephiroth. Oh how embarrassing.  
  
"Your feelings, you're in love with someone?"  
  
I nodded. I don't think Sephiroth was aware that he was the one I loved. I wanted to tell him, but I didn't want to tell him.  
  
"You don't have to tell me who this person is, but I am curious." He said smiling.  
  
It's you who I love, you're the reason why I joined soldier, and you're the reason why I even push myself. I want to be like you. I want to be with you. I want you to touch me. I want you to make love to me. All these thoughts were running through my mind quickly. I wanted to tell him but I couldn't. The words were there but they wouldn't come out of my mouth. I was a complete mute.  
  
"You look as though you want to tell me something." Sephiroth said.  
  
"No, it's nothing."  
  
"I must leave now Cloud, but when you get better come visit me in my dorm. We can talk then." Sephiroth got up to leave and I loved the way his silver hair flowed down his back.  
  
"Yes, I'll tell you everything." I said quietly.  
  
My pain was gone, but for how long I didn't know. But I knew that Sephiroth made me feel better. I was so deeply touched by his concern for me. He knew that I was trying to end my own life. He reached out to me and that was all I needed. I just needed someone to show that they cared. I soon began to imagine what would've happened if I told Sephiroth my true feelings.  
  
Of course this would not have happened. But I imagined that the two of us had hot steamy sex. Right there in the infirmary. We would roll around on the bed and Sephiroth would smother me with passionate kisses. He would kiss the most private areas on my body and I would quiver with shameless pleasure. I want to touch myself, but I can't, the nurse may hear my soft moans. So I let my cock get hard, but the urge to grab it is still pestering me. Maybe just a slight jerk. I grab it, jerking off slowly, trying not to get loud so the nurse won't hear me. The pleasure grows wild.  
  
"This feels good." I say quietly. "Sephiroth, why do you do this to me? Why do you make me do this to myself?"  
  
One final jerk and I release my semen. That made my day.  
  
"I love you for making me do this." I am breathless.  
  
I can't wait to tell him how I feel.  
  
Cloud had to do that. Keep reading my story please!!! ^_^ 


	7. Chapter 7

Hello, I got kind of lazy about writing and something weird happen that caused this wonderful story to disappear. ^_^  
  
"You can leave now, I hope you learned a lesson," said the nurse. She smiled at me leading me out of the infirmary. I was glad to be out of that place, and I no longer had any kind of suicidal thought. Sephiroth had fixed that. And now, I was going to visit him. I walked happily down the hall. If I ran into Zack I would just ignore him, he wasn't about to ruin my good mood.  
  
I walked along greeting everyone I saw. I know they must've thought something was wrong with me, but I didn't care. Thankfully I didn't run into Zack or his idiot friends. As soon as I made to the dorms, my heart was beating as towards Sephiroth's dorm. The two double doors were like the gates of heaven to me. Timidly I knocked, but for a moment I wondered weather I was disturbing him. Surly he would want to how I was doing?  
  
He didn't answer the door immediately, once he had however, I was completely blown away by his appearance. He was wearing a white shirt, which was open, it was almost as though he were flaunting his beautiful chest. When he saw me he looked rather and this made me feel so much better.  
  
"I glad you recovered, Cloud. Come in and we'll talk."  
  
He closed the door and I sat in that same chair the day I had beaten up Zack. For a moment I was jealous of my idol for having a bigger dorm, but I had to remember that I was madly in love with him and I couldn't let something as silly as this get the best of me. Sephiroth was reading a book and I know it was about SOLIDER training. I knew he wanted to talk to me about my problems. And I thought this would be the perfect time to reveal my true feelings.  
  
He sat on the bed a stared straight into my eyes. I loved the way he bore into me like that. It only made me want him all the more. It told me that he wanted to know everything there is to know about me. God, I'm so in love.  
  
"I know you've had some problems in your past. You may have a hard time trying to open up to me, will you?"  
  
"No, I'll tell you everything you want to know." I said confidently.  
  
"Talk to me."  
  
"There is a member of SOLIDER here who does nothing except torment me. Yes, I have gotten into more fights with him. But thing is, he opened up something inside me, I can't put my finger on it, but its a deep wound that I can never heal." I stopped.  
  
"You don't think that wound can ever be healed? Why?"  
  
"Too much damage had been done to me. I was mean to my friends and family and yes I have been trying to forgive myself. But it's too much, the guilt is too much. That's why I tried to end everything. My guilt had won over me and I could no longer fight it." I stopped again.  
  
"You know, Cloud, committing suicide is a selfish act. You may have thought you doing your family and friends a favor, but you weren't. You would've hurt them even more."  
  
I was stunned at this. My idol was admonishing me and I loved him for it. This only told me that he cared for me.  
  
"Cloud you were lucky enough to have friends and family. I never knew those things. I don't have a hometown, and my parents'.well that's another story. But I am sure they miss you more than anything."  
  
"You never knew your parents?"  
  
"No, not really. I spent most of my childhood in labs and training. I rarely had any playtime. And when I did have the chance to interact with other children they knew there was something different about me. I was an outcast." Sephiroth had stopped and looked over his shoulder.  
  
"If you had the chance to meet your parents, what would you say to them?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
He was hurting, I knew I had to do something. The unthinkable, tell him my feelings. Tell him how on some nights I can do nothing but masturbate because I dream of how it would feel if he were to touch me. Tell him that I want him to make love to me. Just tell him everything you him to know. He won't be heartbroken.  
  
"Sephiroth," I said nervously.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"There is something I need to tell you and it's important."  
  
I moved from the chair to sit next to him on his bed. He had a curious expression on his beautiful face.  
  
"Ever since the day I read about you in the newspaper I had the ultimate to be like you. You see, the thing is, my admiration for you became something more. And I didn't realize that until I was going on more missions with you. Sephiroth I'm telling you this because I don't like seeing you hurt. It hurts me. I'm revealing my true feelings for you because I want you to feel better.  
  
I took a deep breath.  
  
"I love you more than anything in this world. I can never stop thinking about you. You stay on my mind. You're the reason why I can make through the day. You're the reason why I was able to take abuse from Zack. Sephiroth I love you and now I don't care weather or not you feel the same way. I just want you to know that I love you."  
  
Sephiroth didn't look shocked like I thought he would. He had a blank expression on his, but then suddenly he looked shocked.  
  
"You're brave Cloud, you're very brave."  
  
"Thank you, I."  
  
Sephiroth didn't let me say anything else, he only leaned over and kissed me. He wanted to taste me because I felt his warm tongue enter my mouth. Yes, this pleasure was blissful. I could feel my cock becoming hard. Oh, God I loved this. He slowly pulled away from kissing me and started kissing my neck. Yes, I want this from you, I want everything you have to offer me.  
  
"Let me do this, please." He said.  
  
"Yes, anything." I said.  
  
Sephiroth unbuttoned my pants and gave me the best head that anyone can receive. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell my idol's name but something wouldn't let me. I could only enjoy this pleasure in silence.  
  
I'm sorry if I can't come up with a better ending for this chapter. Just read the last chapter and tell me what you think. 


	8. Chapter 8

This is the last Chapter. I can only say that writing Under the Scars has been a wonderful experience, for me to say the least. Well enough about that, on with the story.  
  
I told my idol how I truly felt, and I feel completely free. It was like a heavy burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I can walk around with much confidence, a confidence I haven't felt for weeks. I decided to make occasional visits to Sephiroth, but not too often. Simply because we both needed our space. I walked down to the mess hall and as luck would have it I ran into Zack, but none of his lackeys were with him. He had a strange look on his face.  
  
"You look happy," he said awkwardly.  
  
"Well, of course I'm happy, why shouldn't I be?"  
  
"You tried to commit suicide, I tortured you, I made you feel like shit and you're happy?"  
  
"Yeah I am, is that a problem shithead?" I said.  
  
Zack only gave me an evil glare. He knew he couldn't hurt me, because I wouldn't let him. Besides none of his lackeys were with him.  
  
"You're still a little pussy, you know that Cloud."  
  
"You don't you go and fuck one of your lackeys, alright. I don't have time for your shit."  
  
Zack stomp away angry because he knew that I had won. I had this feeling that for as long as I was in SOLDIER he would not pick with me again. My life seemed to be getting back on track, but there was something that needed to be fixed. My relationship with my family and friends. I still had to forgive myself for how I had treated them, and I had to tell them how truly sorry I was.  
  
After lunch I went to dorm and made it my duty to write them a letter saying that I was terribly sorry for the pain I caused them. It wasn't hard for me to figure out what to write, because I had it all in my head.  
  
Dear Mom and everyone at home,  
  
There is something I need to tell you. When I first wanted to become a member of SOLDIER you told me that this was something that would be difficult to achieve, but if you also told me that if I work hard and tried my best, I would be the best. Your encouragement was something that I probably didn't deserve.  
Let me tell you why; for one, I only joined SOLDIER because I hated being weak. You know how everyone used to pick on me. Well, those scars stay with you forever. Didn't you notice when my demeanor changed when I made the choice to join SOLDIER. I rejected any kind of intimacy, because I thought that it would only make me weak.  
Don't you remember? I was cold; I got into fights for no reason. I was short tempered. You remember, I know you do. You didn't say anything. You didn't tell me I was being a jerk. Which is fine, I had to figure it out for myself. Once I realized how I treated you I was consumed with guilt that I almost took my own life.  
Don't feel bad, I'm fine now. It's just that, when I thought I was strong, I only discovered that I had been a complete fool. It was stupid for me to deny my emotions. Emotions are what make us human and to erase that would only be foolish. So mom and everyone, I write to you to only say that I am truly sorry for how I had treated you. Truly sorry. And after writing this letter I think I managed to forgive myself. Now I ask for your forgiveness.  
  
Love,  
Cloud  
  
I put down my pencil and I can only reflect. I am finally at peace with myself. I took it one day at a time and I finally came to terms with the bad things I did. I will never deny my emotions, never. It was a beautiful day outside but I didn't want to go out, instead I wanted to see my idol. I figured out his training schedule and I now know which days he isn't training.  
  
I slowly walked down the hall to Sephiroth's dorm. I stand there for a few minutes just to kill time. Finally I knock.  
  
"Oh, hello Cloud, it's nice to have you come and visit. I know people don't come to see because they I don't need any kind of companionship. But this is far from the truth." He said closing the door.  
  
"I'll be your companion."  
  
He only chuckled at this. I sat on his bed while he went back to his desk to some studying. But I had to suddenly make conversation, because looking at those books were beginning to drive me crazy. Yes, I do want something to happen here.  
  
"Do you have a favorite thing?" I asked.  
  
"Well, yes. Reading as you can see, but these books have nothing to do with SOLDIER." He said.  
  
"Sephiroth," I said nervously. "That day you kissed me and.well you know, how did it make you feel?"  
  
Sephiroth turned toward me. And smiled.  
  
"I loved it. I never did anything like that before, but I can honestly say that I loved it." He said getting up from his desk and sitting next to me on the bed.  
  
"You want me to do it again?"  
  
"I.don't.know."  
  
"You know how I feel about you Cloud. I only want to show it."  
  
He kissed my lips and then I suddenly felt his tongue inside my mouth. I was gone. None of my actions were my own. It was like he was controlling me, but I didn't mind. I found myself taking off all my clothes and lay sprawled on the bed with my erected cock sticking up.  
  
"You amaze me." He whispered kissing the tip of it.  
  
"I love the way you taste."  
  
I grabbed his head forcing him to suck me.  
  
"Let's do this slowly, alright." He said.  
  
Sephiroth went down on slowly letting the pleasure last for as long as it can.  
  
"That.feels.good." I managed to say. But he only sucked away leaving me in this bliss of pleasure.  
  
"Turn over on your stomach." Sephiroth said suddenly.  
  
I did what I was told. I was still in my bliss of pleasure when he gently slid his large cock inside me.  
  
"This may hurt a little, but I think you'll enjoy it all the more."  
  
He pumped in and out of me trying the build the ecstasy. And it was getting so close the orgasm with each pump. My moans were becoming louder and I knew that soon they would become screams. I think I heard him panting as he pumped. The thrusts were getting faster and I could feel the orgasm come. Yes, there it was, my come. And I felt my idols come inside me. It was so deliciously warm.  
  
I felt his hand on my forehead wiping away my sweat. Then he grabbed my cock and massaged it.  
  
"I feel wonderful Cloud, how about you?"  
  
"Ohhhhh, Gods. That was good." I said softly.  
  
He plopped down next to me kissing me on the cheek.  
  
"Your beautiful when you're in sexual ecstasy. I love how you're body glows with your sweat.  
  
I thanked him with a long passionate kiss. After a while he dozed off. I on the other hand wanted to watch him sleep. Throughout my emotional trauma it was Sephiroth who somehow made it go away. Even on the nights when I would go to bed dreaming of him. At my lowest moments while I felt the lowest. He made everything all right. I didn't need to masturbate because he was next to me.  
  
So this is how I'm going to end this story, my childhood scars will always be with me. They will never go away. But maybe I don't want them to go away.  
  
The End  
  
Not how I wanted to end it but as long as it was a happy ending I'm okay. I have an upcoming FF8 fic. I hope you check it out. ^_^ 


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